Saturday at the VA

I know I've covered this topic before, but I wanted to post part of a letter I wrote to a friend today.

I plan to follow up with specific stories from the day. I only hope my dad doesn't read this site. None of this is meant to be hurtful, but it probably would be. This site is for me. This is me. This is my dad.


"I was going to rest on Saturday, but then my dad needed me to take him to the hospital. He's a vet so we had to go to the VA hospital in Salt Lake. It was an hour drive each way, 4 hours waiting to see a doctor, 2 hours for testing, and then he insisted on buying me dinner. I love my dad, but sometimes 20 min. with him can be too much. That was a really long day.

"My dad is crazy. Not silly crazy, but 'gets checked into mental hospitals' crazy. He was very normal when we were growing up, there would be an occasional flashback of Vietnam, but he insists that he has always been as bad as he is now. I don't believe him. When my parents got divorced, Dad moved out to Utah to be near my brother and sister, and because he had lived here before and it was familiar. He started going to the VA for support groups. Suddenly he could talk about nothing but Vietnam. He said it was part of the healing. But now, 3 years later, he can't keep up a conversation that isn't about 'nam, war, government conspiracies, his divorce, violence and post-traumatic stress disorder. He blames everything on PTSD. He sits at home all day living off the government and plotting how he will hit my mom's new husband when they meet. "When are you ever going to meet Bob, Dad?" "We'll have weddings coming up." Great idea. Please come to my brother's wedding and try to beat up Bob. That will really make the day special.

"I used to feel sorry for him, but after a full day of trying to help him understand that some of the things he says are inappropriate, I've realized he's become completely selfish. He won't change. Everyone else should change to accommodate him. His life is ruined because of Vietnam. His life is ruined because of my mom and Bob. His life is ruined because of the government and the church and the cable company and whoever is picking on him lately, but it is never his fault. And he sits around and feels sorry for himself and plots revenge and doesn't have room for anything else.

"I used to think I was helping him by listening to his gory stories about Vietnam, but I'm only damaging myself. Anyway, the point of all that was to explain why I was so worn out after Saturday.

"The dad that reminds me of Eddie from The Five People You Meet In Heaven, is the dad I grew up with. We knew he had been in a war, but he never talked about it. He would get depressed and Mom would tell us he was sad and we should leave him alone. He never had a good relationship with his dad. When his dad died, it was the first time I ever saw him cry. Little kids love him. When they pull on his beard, he makes goat noises and they scream and giggle and do it again. He used to walk with a cane and he would poke the deacons with it if they were noisy at church, but they liked him anyway. That's why that book made me cry. I miss my old dad."